Think Logical

rewrewre

2011-05-17T19:18:00.001-07:00

God, I love you

2010-04-13T08:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, let's handle it.

Everyone deserves to be happy

2010-04-13T07:48:00.000-07:00

But not me. I believe in it and I know it. My decisions has been heard but never has been understood. No listens to me and I couldnt blame them. I mean who listen to a kid like me while youre busy with real problems? I dont know how to be happy and I've lost myself. I dont know what will happen right now. I'll I know now, that dying will make me happy. I dont want this anymore. My family can live without me cause I've already seen them neglecting even on the simplest things of me but I cant blame them for they do have their own lives. They dont understand me cause they think I dont have anything to say. They dont care to know cause I'm just a stupid kid like other kids who have problems that doesnt even need to be solved for it's just something stupid. I know right? It doesnt suck cause I know what they mean. I really, really couldnt blame them.

Right now, I suck. Even murders deserve to be happy but me? I dont cause I've gave myself too much. I fight for stupid things but who could know better? I know I'm not that someone. Someday this life will end and I'll be happy. I'm just making other people get problems just because of my existence. Wish, I wasnt like this but yes, I want to be happy but I dont remember the last time I was having that feeling.

Lance Albert

Confused

2010-04-13T07:35:00.000-07:00

I'm too confused. Confused with my family, with what I am, with my friends, with what I want, with what I'm supposed to be and a lot more that I could die through confusion right now but the biggest confusion is that, why am I alive? Why am I alive? God? Why? I dont have a freakin use in this earth. I do sins that I've tried to accomplish but goodness, what should I do? I admit, I sin and you may kill me through punishment. It was never enough for you right? It wasnt and for my punishment, I dont deserve to be happy anymore. I know, I GET IT NOW.

The thought of dying at anytime has never got off my head for months. What is happening to me? I dont deserve to live. I know that and someday, I know God will finally pull the trigger and that will be the start of my real spirit. Now? Nothing can make me happy. Not my family, friends, myself, I honestly dont know cause I'm not deserving to be happy cause I do bad things, I'm bad. I GET IT NOW. I SERIOUSLY GET IT NOW.

Just wish I was dead right now. It has been my biggest wish since everything came into place. Plus? No one cares.

Lance Albert

You would not forget

2010-02-07T01:56:00.000-08:00

He said sorry to me just a couple of minutes ago. You know, a friend is some person you can trust but it's not something you should always base on. There are times that theres this big ball your waiting for in the sky because someone just threw it up high. But sometimes a single feather of the word "Sorry" may sometimes be enough. Some may say that sorry isnt enough. In my kind of way, it isnt really enough, but theres always this word youre going to find in his words recognizing that he had realized what he had done wasnt good for the both of us. It's through the eyes.

God Bless you Adrian Marro P.

Lance Albert

Last night is almost the last night

2010-02-06T04:08:00.000-08:00

Last night, I cried again because of him. Just by the little things, I get the feeling so back into me. I dont know if it does to him. I dont want to act like I havent moved on and I want to push everything to have what we had back. I want the both of us happy. I just cant move on so fast like him and I'm very sorry if I'm annoying you.

I dont want everything to be like the past two years. It has been so long, and I know, youre doing great but It's just hard for me. I've already accepted that I cant have the bestfriend I had like before, but I'm just having a hard time letting go. But dont you worry, I'm letting go. I know nothing will come back and its really gone. Sooner or later, I know I'm gonna get over you. Sooner or later, maybe I'll find someone like you or even better than you. But for now, you were the very best one I ever had In my whole entire life. No one else.

And yes, I shouldve let you feel that in the first place but I guess it's too late.

Lance Albert

How everything has been so stable

2010-01-20T02:40:00.000-08:00

An inspiration.
"I chose to love you in silence because in silence, no one owns you but me."

I wouldnt consider "own" as the word, but partly, I do, but in a way, I can leave it all behind. I would consider more like, "in silence, I can love you with all I can, imaginatively with a touch of creativity.". Somewhat like that. But, yeah, It's just the best feeling someone you love in your life, in a, maybe I may resume, special way perhaps or maybe in a better way but I wouldnt consider better as much as I can think of it. If I'd call it that permanently, It'll just branch into another hopeless chapter. Back to the start as they say.

But I'm happy. So happy I could make myself float above the ground with the distance of 28 centimeters.

Lance Albert

A lot to think about

2010-01-12T11:46:00.000-08:00

I always make sure I bring my iPod, my earphones and hanky when ever were going to transport with the car. Listening to songs I cant explain what It feels every time I listen to them, makes me feel so something I cant explain because this is the time I would think about someone you may have already know about. I realize a lot things when that happends and I dont whats with the hanky whenever I cover my mouth with it.

But, I do think I'm not the only one who does such addiction.

Lance Albert

A day, sleepless

2010-01-12T11:35:00.001-08:00

Hi again sir blog! I'm back from a fresh start on 2010 and boy I got a lot to babble about. But we'll not take that much.

It's 3:30am right now. It's Wednesday today, meaning, 3 hours ago was Tuesday and we have been practicing this cheerdance and Boy I was so effin tired. I couldnt count the times we practiced, but knowing were going to watch a movie later that night kept me going. It was fun though.

For short, we watched a movie with those big glasses or whatever. The movie was great. Very charismatic and absorbent to the imagination. Very I tell you. But I really didnt expect it to last till 1am. We reached home by 2. It wasnt a rough trip of course. When I got home, I got on some accounts and did my thing after 30 minutes. A thing I shouldve already done 10 hours ago by that time.

Reason why we watched a movie so early? My sister is leaving this saturday. Quality time as you call it before she leaves. Her departure a good thing, bad thing. No comment. Let's just say, it's gonna be confusing.

And now, I decided to say no to sleep for this time. It's already almost 4 and I said "What the heck. I'd be asking for more sleep when I get to school. A lot.". Uh yeah. I wouldnt want that. Besides, I feel very alive right now. In a, I'm not sleepy way.

Lance Albert

It's 30 today

2009-12-29T08:07:00.000-08:00

There's two guys and one gay guy in our house right now. It has been a while since men came to our house. I guess I got used to being the only man in the house that is why I feel so left alone. But being left alone isnt new, so what to share?

Tomorrow, or later, will be the wedding of my beloved sister. Everything feels so weird. Wish I could carry on, leave and be alone. But thats just it, I'm tired of being alone.

I'll try to sleep. My body is craving to be alone in the dark, with music and crumpled like a yellow maggot. Even though I hate it, perhaps, I'm already used to.

Lance Albert

Accepting in the wrong time

2009-12-28T08:14:00.000-08:00

A friend I knew, has been beside my show for a while. I dont know how it came to be. It's like a mysterious plant, just sprouted out of my backyard and I have no choice to take care of it.

After the tragedy, I've been asking myself questions on my questions I ask myself.
"How make a close friend, accept who you are?" I asked myself. It's just so weird cause from the beginning, I thought friendship was about acceptance. But I dont know. I guess, the world has been really changing with our human race. I'm pretty sure, it hasnt been that rough, has it?

I cried that night. The night I received a text that may have fulfilled the true thing he wanted to say. It broke my heart. I've been holding on to something that may have no Idea there has been a something who made a choice to hang on.

One of part of life that's so hard to get, is best sacrifices loses to negligence. I know expecting in return is not the thing to give intention, but, it's just a different feeling. Working for no salary is such. I dont know what to do while I'm in it. But why did I do it in the first place? Because. Because I thought it was the one for me. I've lost my self control repellent. I've lost my life.

After the stressful night, I've realized a lot. Too much has been done, too much, just too much but why do I keep on going? I'm tired, but I still wonder why I'm alive. It's like trees in the woods. Why do they grow when no one plants them unlike our backyard plants who we are the one take of it? There's a spirit in me I cant explain. It keeps me going even though I'm so dull and full of darkness. It keeps me going even though I dont want to stand up, dont want to move. Who is it? Just call me the usual.
I've been weird every since. That may be the reason no one could read through my eyes. My body may have already given up and my spirit may have already been flushed into deep obscurity, my eyes are still wide open hoping for someone who could turn every sadness into bright long lasting sunshine. My eyes are my only hope. I'll just keep them open while my time isnt today.

Lance Albert

Christmas goes thirteen

2009-12-25T19:09:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas once again! There's a lot to thank for the wonderful thoughts. This might be the Christmas that I got the least presents. But then again, who cares about those damn gifts? Wew. As we all know, Christmas is not about those material things,right? But then again, again, theres no harm of wishing or hoping or still entertain the spirit of Santa Claus. Just for the win, the Philippines doesnt really entertain Santa Claus unlike back in the United States. They are more of, serious people who find Christmas full hope and religious positivity. Cool eh? I enjoy both sides as a matter of fact.

Arrival of Sister - Parties - Not home - A little bit of cash. Just the typical Christmas. Just thankful I'm still alive to thank God for every blessing. Nothing less.

Enjoy the rest of December. Christmas Vacation, most probably?

Lance Albert

Bestfriend

2009-12-23T08:28:00.000-08:00

I have this friend that got upset. To be honest, I dont know what's the best word to describe what he feels. Retracing the steps makes want to cry, but still, crying wont help anything.

It has been weeks or almost months since it happened. I really didnt know in terms that, I didnt know till I read his post that night. Just reading the words "wont", "forgive" and "anymore" just shot me. I really didnt know what do. But I couldnt blame him to get upset, just not that upset. I couldnt imagine, after everything, he would just give up. But, like they say, "The damage has been done".

I didnt talk to him after that day. We've already got into this and it was the roughest moments for the both of us and I just screwed it up again. In my side, it was the first time I could agree something against me. I guess, I accepted his win. It was fresh and It came tumbling down again. Who could explain that better? No one. He was right, I was wrong. But then again, damage, already done.

Weeks past, I've started to accept what happened and I guess he did too. I've been busy with myself, and I guess he did too. But honestly, I didnt know. I've lost communication and, maybe it was the thing he wanted. It was some moments I could explore my iPod more when I get the chance to check my notes and see a note he made for me and hope he would still remember what he said. But if he forgot, it's okay, maybe our friendship wasnt really made to last forever.

December came, I've got myself a bit stable and thats when I could feel something missing. Something special, irreplaceable, something very special. I've checked up on him for a few days, and he has been looking great. Perhaps he made a better life without me. Moved on a greater road. I'm happy for him.

I could recall everything weve done together that I havent done to others. Be on the phone for 6 hours just talking even though it was very non sense. Good times. Comes to reality, they are countless. I would also tell myself "After all of these, this is where we ended up.". I guess those moments are over. He's doing great ; moved on, and I should do the same too. It's really over.

Ryan, if you got the chance to read this, I'm really sorry for hurting you. I never wanted to hurt you, I know you know that. You were my bestfriend and I thank God for giving you to me. I know I made a mistake. I dont want to die without saying sorry to you regarding what happened but I just couldnt talk to you. Your hands my hands. I really miss you Ryan. I really, really do. But I'm okay even if youre not interested anymore. I've already accepted the fact that I can get the old days back.
I just wanted you to know that I'm really sorry. I'll never forget the bestfriend I always loved every since.

Enjoy your Christmas Ryan

Lance Albert

Tomorrow

2009-12-23T08:09:00.001-08:00

So, I was already set for my marathon in room with my laptop till my laptop just shut down like instantly with no permission. It does that occasionally and I dont want to waste my time knowing why that happends. Oh well. It's already December 24 since the last 11 minutes. I feel the christmas spirit, but not that strong I used to. I get the fact that by we grow up, we are the ones to make our christmas spirit unlike we were younger. When we were younger, people would give us gifts we didnt ask for that they even dont expect any for return. When we were younger, we would appriciate some lights and christmas presentations, now were older, we are the one to make such.

My mom has been waiting for the time just to call my skates and I really appreciate it (Thanks Mom). Even though I feel like, majority of the year, It was only me and my mom together, I still thank God for every blessing he gave. "Everything will be okay.", I always tell myself. But stop the drama, it's just the usual story.

So tomorrow is Christmas. I could recall when I was younger I would be sad because Christmas was only a 25. By the night of Christmas, I would feel very sad. Even though everyone tells the thing "Everyday is Christmas" or such words, no day, week, month, year can replace December 25. After tomorrow, we'll just have to wait another 365 day revolution. Delightful much.

So make the best out of. Enjoy the breeze cause in a couple of weeks, we'll be getting near the sun again.

Lance Albert

Cinema

2009-12-22T19:35:00.000-08:00

I read a post from some site I'm a member of that was talking about the statement of one of the senators regarding about movies and stuff. Saying like, Hollywood movies will only show once a month so that our movies wont be less noticed. And I guess I agree with this. Well yeah, our movies arent that good. I know. I have liked, watched only a few Filipino movies and I'm one of those who doesnt seem to like them. I mean the graphics are one of the things I really get turned off. It's so way far from other Hollywood Movies like Transformers and such but I'm sure they did their best to make it presentable. We may appreciate what our fellow Filipinos made rather what other countries made if this could happen despite it's not, worth watching. And who knows? Maybe by the end of the movie, you would realize it was worth it after all. If I were to make a movie, I'd be upset too if movies that wasnt even made in the country would cover it up. Not to mention, I did my very best knowing that it would be interesting for others. And not only that, I wouldnt want to make another one because I might just waste another million bucks. If that happends to every filipino directors and writers, then our country might lose a lot of self made stories and movies. We wouldnt want that to happen, would we? But still, I think we should be proud with what we have already made. Like what a korean said,
"I dont think its the government that has the problem. Filipinos just lack love of country". Hollywood movies are great but still they werent made by us.
I'm Proud that I'm Filipino and love my country very much even if our movies sucks but come on, not all movies suck. Seriously.

Threesome

2009-12-21T18:42:00.000-08:00

We have 3 days to pass on and boom goes Mayon! Ughh, praying for Mayon to make the damage less harsh. Please do too. Christmas is coming and I effin dont have my skates yet but still, little by little, I know I'll get them, sooner or later. I mean come on, I cant rent for the rest of my life, can I? Exactly! So I guess, my "want for christmas" is still vacant as of now. What to wish, what to wish? Coolest Laptops? Games or whatever? Even though an Apple Laptop would be so cool, I dont think I really want to have one. But I guess, wishing for something isnt bad even though they say contentment is the bridge to happiness.

A Pastor told us, "One who has no dream in life, gets everything he currently confronts.".
I dont know if it was for me, but I think it wasnt, maybe. But maybe it was. I dont know, but I have dream. Just not a stable one for I always make my age as an excuse of that it wont really be that stable. Ugh, whatever beiber.

Lance Albert

Up Above

2009-12-21T07:50:00.000-08:00

No one can elaborate the best words for every collision of every individual. Advice are like steps that help you climb up the top and figure out what really happened, or perhaps, what is happening. God is one of the best steps you can ever encounter, and I'm considering this as another step. He's the one that made you climb up this obstacle in the first place for he knows that not only you can successfully get sweet victory and for he knows you will learn from it, but for a lot of reasons that will help you build yourself as son of God. He makes hardship for us to call him and consider it as a mutual bonding moment between us, and our loving father up above.

Lance Albert

Normal Heart

2009-12-21T07:33:00.000-08:00

As blue moons past the valleys
As those sacred prayer I make to show
A cruel mind is under the mist ; under the snow
That gives the glides a better glow

No one can think of a better way
To love you more, mine is like a relevant holiday
To you shall ignore, to you shall despise a bit
But infatuated sacrifices are hidden ever since

I gave the moment, even though it wasnt my intention
I gave the time, even though my instincts said no
What I'm trying to make words for you here
Even if we were together and nothing happens

The love came from the heart, a normal heart like every heart
A heart that also is scared of hardship
A heart that also gets broken

Lance Albert

How Inspiring

2009-11-21T03:51:00.000-08:00

Well it's over. Academic week is over. It's over, and I'm inspired. Yes, lets celebrate.
CELEBRATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111

I'm totally speechless.

/LNC

Early Friday

2009-11-12T09:51:00.001-08:00

Ohh, just woke up. It's around 1:52am and I'll work on some things. Dont worry, It's just somethings full of typing. Grrr. Haha. Well, everyone enjoy your sleep. I dont know if I'm still gon' sleep or not. I can survive the Friday withouth sleeping, I guess. -,-

And you know what, you got me thinking about this.
"Why am I still alive?"

/LNC

Kill

2009-11-12T02:59:00.000-08:00

I AM VERY VERY VERY VERY STRESSED.

SELF ESTEEM GO DOWN
DEPRESSION GO FIGURE

FRUSTRATION ERUPT MY ASS

I can kill. I shall.

/LNC

Bittersweet

2009-11-01T21:52:00.004-08:00

The story goes like this. I feel for you, then I stood up. I walked for a couple of days and once again, fell for you. I have to admit, falling for you is a difficult routine but still, I go on. I go on hoping what you show is real. I fell for you once again. Yes, my first step from the very beginning was not a joke. It was something very serious and was full of strugles. You had put me into a mess that you knew I will enjoy. A mess that I knew I would want. I fell for you but didnt want to be in the mess I already experienced under your presence. Shall I go on? Shall I stop? It dont matter. Even if I didnt want to, theres this feeling that kept on hanging. A feeling that kept on believing. Here, once again, after standing, I fell once more. Now, desperately struggling, but stable as can be...and happy.

/Lance

Happy Halloween!

2009-11-01T20:18:00.000-08:00

Theres no halloween here in the Philippines so because I was like missing it, I dressed up myself. I had so much fun making this mess.

/Lance

Up and Down

2009-11-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

One starry, starry night in July Saw a shooting star fall from the sky Even the rain fallin' on my head Wish you'd fall for me instead Shook the branches of an old oak tree Leaves came fallen over me But what's the matter with gravity Why won't it make you fall for me As the world turns round and round Just about everything falls to the ground The lizard on the ceiling fell on my bed Wish you'd fall for me instead I fell down the stairs I fell down the tree But it doesn't really bother me But what's the matter with the gravity Why won't it make you fall for me Up, up, down, down Up, up, down down Up, up, down, down Up, up, down, down

I dedicate this cute song for you. :)

/Lance

High School Night

2009-10-31T04:49:00.000-07:00

BOOM!
It was a blast, seriously. I loved it very much and I wanna thank everyone who made the high school night of 09-10 possible for every high school students. I felt the adrenaline that night so I gave my energy to the dance floor. I've got the chance to bond with other high school students too, one of my favorite parts of the night. Yes, like, our group gets so down when it's time for the slow songs but when it's time to party go lucky, I tell them.
IBUHOS NIYO ANG SAMA NG LOOB NIYO!!! WOAAAHHH!
You seriously gotta love it. Of course I wanna do it again but I think I'll have to wait till next year. Haha.
To everyone who was there and was a part of it.
\m/

Flip.
Slow songs got me thinking so much. I really dont know what I feel when I see you. I seriously thought I was over you but you always keep me hanging. You always bring me back to the feeling I used to have for you. Sometimes, you amaze me. You looked so amazing that night that I wanted to cry because I knew I couldnt have you even if I gave my 100% to you because I've did that already. You may not like me back, but I'd just like to let you know that I'm here.
You really cant avoid those collisions. I should just face it and figure it out the way it should be.

/LNC

Okay

2009-10-28T19:00:00.000-07:00

It has been weeks since I've posted some despression. I'm okay, I guess. I'm not depress with love right now, unlike before. It's good, but sucks in some ways. I feel so good making those typical things I make when I'm really depress and down but sadly, by this moment, I'm not. The hell.

Neways, High School Night is tonight. First Year student, what do you expect?
I'll tell some details after the night. Who knows, I might find my depression later night.

Bullseye

2009-10-13T06:17:00.000-07:00

Sapul
Okay na sana. Okay na ang lahat. Sa isang iglap, gumuho nanaman ang pakiramdam. Nanaman, nanaman, nanaman. Walang tigil. Minsan nakakapagod na ren tumayo kung alam mo naman madadapa ka nanaman uli. Nakakapagod na.
Maganda ang nangyre sa araw na ito pero syempre, panget din. Sa isang iglap, akala ko lahat ay okay na. Naging masaya na ako sa nangyayare sa bagay bagay. Paunti unti ko ng nababago ang dapat baguhin, o hindi lang paunti-unti kundi nabago ko na talaga. Na tugunan na din ng Diyos ang lahat ng mga hiling ko na kahit meron isang naiwan. Nabiyayaan din ako sa mga bagay na alam ko na hindi ko din naman kailangan ngunit, binigay pa rin ng Diyos. Sa madaling salita, ang pagkatayo ko, ay bumalik nanaman sa pagkadapa. Sa isang idlap. Quarterly exam namin itong linggo na ito. Nakalimutan ko kung san ko nilagay bag ko. Pinuntahan ko ang mga napuntahan ko bago ko napansin na wala sa akin ang bag ko. Wala na. Siguro na kuha, siguro merong lugar ang hindi ko napuntahan. Umuwi nalang ako kasi hindi din naman pwede ako magtagal para mag shooting kasi nandun ung costume ko. Hindi din ako wpede mag tagal kasi ung permit ko para sa review ay nasa bag ko din. Umuwi ako at humiga na agad sa kama. Iniwasan ko nalang isipin kung ano laman nun. Walang pera o mga kung ano ano na mamahalin. Meron lang, Diary ko & notebook at clearbook ko sa ELA. Dinala ko un dahil baka ma review ko siya sa opportunity class ng ELA dahil hindi ko maintindihan ung lessons. Pero ayun, nawala ung bag, kaya hindi ako makakapag aral sa ELA dahil walang naiwan saken sa ELA. Nandun din ata ung notebook ko sa Science, pero, okay lang ung sa Science kasi may handout naman ako. Ayun, God Bless nalang sa aken.

Sakto
Marami na din ang nangyre sa mga araw na nagdaan. Nahulog ako sa isang tao na hindi dapat nangyre. Tanong sa aken, "bakit siya?". Kahit ako hindi ko masagot. Hindi ko alam pero siya.
Araw na nag daan na ika'y dumating as buhay ng isang bintalyong problemado sa buhay. Ako un. Hindi man ako ang taong seryoso, pero meron pa ding parte sa akin na seryoso at tahimik. Naalala ko ang unang araw na nakita kita. Inosente at masaya pa nung araw na iyon dahil kakatayo ko lang nanamn sa isang problema. Pinili ko ang desisyon na alam kong papasok ako sa gulo. Ika nila, kung ayaw mo masaktan, wag ka nalang mag mahal. Handa ako sa mga dadating, dahil akala ko ikaw na. Akala ko, sa tanaw mo, ako na. Akala ko pareho tayo ng nararamdaman. Sa tuwing nakikita kita, lalo akong naasa sayo. Lalo ako nahuhulog sayo, lalo ako nawawala sa mundo. Ilang araw din kitang hinintay. Personal man o sa internet lang. Bawat 5 sugundos, tinitingnan ko status mo kung meron mang pahiwatig sa akin. Bawat 2 minutos tinitingnan ko profile mo sa facebook. Araw araw ako online para makita ka lang online. Bawat sandali, naiisip na kita. Hindi ka na mawala. Sa hallway, laging kitang hinintay makita ka lang. Natandaan mo nung unang beses mo akong tinalikuran? Umiyak ako nung araw na iyon siguro dahil un ang unang araw na hindi kita nakita. Pero sa mga pagdaan ng araw, nasanay ka na rin habang ako naman nasanay na rin maghintay sayo.
Minsan, nakakapagod din sumuntok sa pader. Nakakapagod din maghintay sa wala. Nakakapagod din lumakad patungo sa walang kabuluhan. Nakakapagod din tumanaw sa orasan. Nakakapagod magmahal sa wala. Pagod na din ako isipin ka buong araw at ang makukuha ko lang sayo, ay wala. Pagod na din akong umiyak sa gabi kakaisip sayo, at sa sunod na araw, parang walang nangyre. Lahat nakakapgod na. Na isip ko na, hindi kailangan pilitin ang isang tao para mahalin ka. Kung pareho tayo ng nararamdaman, siguro, guniguni ko lang un. Siguro nakikiride ka lang, at sa pakikiride mo na un, sana mag enjoy ka. Marami na akong nasakrapisyo para sa yo, at siguro, oras na para tumigil. Oras na para kalimutan ang nangyre. Umasa ka man, huli ka na. Pero mukhang impossible naman un. Ayoko ng mag aksaya ng oras, lalo na sa panahon na ito.

Akala ko nararamdaman mo din ang nararamdaman ko dahil sa mga ginagawa mo sa akin, un pala, hindi.

Mushroom Cloud

2009-09-28T05:33:00.000-07:00

Difficulties come in various packages, sets, boxes and other cases. I have to admit, I've accepted much of these as far as I can remember. It's okay. They come with a lesson you'll always remember. But it seem to give me some kind of, enervation that's unbearable. A tiredness you want to shout out. A fatigue making you want to say "I finally give up". But no. Every time that dialogue comes to me, I always remember what I believe in. What God wants for me. I may not be perfect, but that's not an excuse for me to look at myself as if I'm just a useless and ugly and dirty child that doesnt deserve to live his life. He knows me, and he loves me. I wont give up because I know I'm strong. I know I can take over all of these bullets. I know I'm brave enough. I know he loves me and I love him very much. Everything was once made with a reason. Nothing useless, nothing unbearable. We're unique in different ways and that's what amazes me.

/Lance Arev.

Intimate Hatred

2009-09-08T04:58:00.000-07:00

Antonia, in short, is the new born. She felt the best for her. She felt a good feeling from herself. Everything was perfect and now it's time to put everything to the next level. A blond with green eyes. A girl with the normal life. Contented and isolated from the generation.

It's a new world and Antonia had started the week in her same school. Everybody knows her for she was a good student, not a great one. She was pretty, not beautiful. She was friendly, not popular. No more wounded words. Antonia, she once liked a new guy in her class. The guy was new, the guy was fresh. He was your typical boy who loved being with his boys. Having the name, Harold, Antonia had been admiring his personality. Weeks of activities, this little girl had some chances to be with him to gain participation. They were never been friends, just school mates. Everything had started. For short, Antonia suddenly fell for the naive boy. She didnt know why, she didnt know how, she didnt know how it started. Antonia started to have sleepless nights and has been staring at the walls for hours. She knew she was in love with him. But a question came. "How in the world would I be in love with someone who doesnt know me?" she asked. She thought for a moment. She didnt have anyone to talk about this. Even if she did, it wasnt enough for her. Is this really love for her? If it isnt, then what is this? "He's often been running in my head making me tell myself that I should go to school just to see him." she thought. Seeing something that has a potential is hard to let go. She has been staring at him when she would see him at the halls. With that simple gesture, she had felt a different kind of joy. A joy that made her day. She never thought of telling him what he felt, she just showed it with the little ways she could do. She was happy with that. There was time that Harold has been noticing her and looked pretty annoyed. He got the confidence with his friends and started to talk about that the Miss Antonia is liking him. Antonia's name has been crushed because of Harold. Harold in short, was playing with Antonia. He talked about her because he wanted to make fun of her because of her face after the sleepless nights, that she was desprate for him, how silly she talks and making her some silly names. Harold didnt like Antonia. Antonia has been alone since then. Her group seems to find another group. She didnt like it. She hated it. She just fell in love and now this is what she gets. Antonia has been alone. It was her decision sometimes beacuse she wanetd to have some time to think. She could recall every word that has been on her from Harold. She felt desprate for the one she once loved, is ruining her life. She couldnt go back because she loved him very much. She couldnt go forward for he was crushing her life. She pursues to be stable. As stable as a rock.
Now, Antonia is frozen. She doesnt know what to do, and when to do it.

"I'm in love with someone who had never loved me and had always hurt me."

/Lanbert V.A.

The Turtle who fell in Love

2009-09-05T00:44:00.000-07:00

Days had past and I've started to forget about you. It may hurt whenever I neglect you, but I know it's for the best.
Life has been the greatest and been an amazing journey from God. Love is really something, mysterious. Love at first sight is True, yet False. Making it false. After the scenario, I've totally revoked myself from such saying.
I've encountered it maybe. From you, actually. And from other human beings that seems to be or was important to me. Not that they're not today, but not like before. When this adrenaline somewhat, comes to you for a person, it gets you too much. Even more if you're the typical pathetic loser who hopes for communication from someone who doesn't know about your feelings. And I guess I'm one of them. I guess, there's a difference from loving someone who does not love you from who does not know you. But either way, for now, its not important. Love is like a new world. It's amazing at sight. It's amazing when you're in. New rules. New games. It's fun, but somewhat, you can't let go because in your thought, you belong. I believe that nothing lasts forever. And that typical feeling wont as well. I hate that I love you, but I just remind myself that hate wont last forever. And I smile.

It was 8 in the evening and I was still in school. For the record, my former Dad or whatever you want to call it, Picked me up. Friends said their goodbyes as they rushed to their cars. I just talked with the other friends I had in the campus. The rain was relaxing. You could stare at it and fly your minds to a different century. Dad arrived and I said my goodbyes and waved to them. This day was maybe the day that I realized I've stop thinking about you, shouting your name, praying for you, crying over you, etc.. I don't know if I'm sad, I don't know if I'm happy for the successful plan. A complicated devotion is something, complicated. But its just great. I've learned a lot from you, and I hope you learned something, just even a little from me. It's been a pleasure having you in my head, in my heart. You'll always be a perfect memory that I will always treasure forever and ever. I've loved you, and that wont vanish. That wont be forgotten. When I grow old, I will always remember the times I gave my love for you.

I was in the car. The car was cold and windows were icy. I wrote my name on it. Drew a heart and wrote your initials under the heart. "I'll love you forever, and ever." I whispered.

/Lance V.A.

For you

2009-08-26T06:28:00.000-07:00

Its too typical. I cant say it. With this simple post, I'd like to say everything I feel for you. What I want you to know and remember.
P.S. Yes, I am too shy to tell you these things personally. I'll just remain idiotic and type every importance I have for you. Best regards.

I never thought we'd fall into this. I never thought we'd be like this. I never thought we'd belong together. I know, I know. I'm just fighting for what I'm feeling is right. I hope you feel the same way too.
Someday for sure you'll fall into place. Someday for sure I'll be the best. Why? Because you make my day. Without you, the day wouldn't be complete.
For people like us, I can tell you a billion things you dont know. Do know that every time you call me, was a wish I said every sun rise morning?
That moment with you was the blast. I had a real good time and I give my best prayers for your departure. If something terrible had come to you, I'd be so incomplete that my tears would burn my precious life.
Every time I'm with you, I wish that time would stop till forever so I can be with you eternally. When I'm with you, I'd be the happiest person in the world.
When I see you. I stare at you. A someday comes into my head. A someday that seems to be the biggest wish I ever made.
A precious time with you is like a falling star. I cherish every single second under it's presence. I cherish every single second with it even if I feel no physical interaction.
Remember the first time we've met? It's amazing that it just started with one hello and ended up like this. After that day, I wish the song I heard could replay.
You left me behind. I give in even if it hurts. When love starts hurting you, you feel your so stable that it makes you not wanting to let go. I just want to be with you. Nothing more.
I know the stupid words are too much for you. But why do I feel something like this for you? I'm just fighting for what I feel is right. And I feel it's so, so, so right that it could pull the shit out of me.
What will it take to show you i'll be by your side? I'm going to be the love that's going to last. I'm going to be that friend you'll always know. We should be together, eternally.
I look at you with the best perspective I can make. I appreciate every edge you have. I appreciate every action you make. I know I'm way under your knees, but this I tell you. I'm worth keeping.
The time when you said Goodbye, you forgot to return the key to my heart. But not worries, I dont need it, It needs you.
Let every moment be the best. Let every moment that I spent with you be the greatest dream every night.

/Lance

The Comeback

2009-07-09T15:02:00.001-07:00

Its been a while since i've been blogging but Hora, Im back.

Ill be regular from now. Ive kind of missed blogging here.

For the past few hours, days, weeks, School has started. Yeah, theres nothing like the anticipation of your brand new school. It's been stressful, like it had never been like this before. It's not the school really, its the high school life. But even though it bangs your head, the word "School" gives back with friends and classmates. Its been great despite the stressful clearbooks. One of the things I enjoy is people. Knowing or just watching different kinds of people. Luckily, the new school has something to offer for that particular concept. Its been fun since the first day (Or maybe second day, haha) but maybe i should put Schooling and Academics together to have just maybe less stressful nights with the books. Maybe.

Its 6:09a.m. and I gotta get ready for school. Its friday. Days doesnt matter nowadays. Everyday has been unpredictable and thats the best part of it.

-Lance A.

4 in the morning :| , 4 more days

2009-05-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

&$^#@ that effing aircon. Know why? It wont function how normal air conditioners function. Gaaahhh.
Then I was like "Makabangon na nga" with FRUSTRATION. MAJOR FRUSTRATION.
I mean, for the rest of summer vacation. I sleep like, in the morning. I wishing i could sleep early this time cause im gonna use mom's room for my mom slept in my sister's room. But heck no, that SSSSSSHHHHH*#&*@ Air conditioner wont cooperate with my timeline. Frogggg. Fagooootttttt.

Well anyway, besides that, May 17, Sunday is my flight to Japan. I'll be traveling alone, which is so cool & exciting. But of course im nervous for its my first time to travel, well by plane, alone. Alooonneee. ALOONE. Haha. Its a vacation if you're wondering. And no, Im not going to a fancy hotel alone. For those who dont know, my dad is already in Japan and ill be meeting him there. I'll have some fun there and we'll come home before the first day of class starts. So cool right? Did I mention about Disneyland? DISNEYLAND ,AY BAY BAY! :)

2009 has been a great year now. I got a of things to watch out for. Here are some of it.

My Bithday
Last year being an elementary kiddo
Last year being a 6th grader
Last year in my old school (T.C.S.)
New school (E.S.S.)
High School
My 13th Birthday, where I finally got the word (Teen) in my age
My trip to Japan
My comeback to the U.S.
Several people leaving to several countries
My DSi
My SLR/DSLR

And thats just May. Wait and see when December comes.

ELMAO!

2009-04-19T20:38:00.001-07:00

I want everybody my new friend, or old friend, Elmo! I think he's cute even though its like im too old for these kind of stuff. But come on, it's just a red thingy. And oh, the thing behind him? It looks weird but its perfume. Perfume from my Auntie. For a little bit of trivia. Tita Faye (My auntie) was packing up because she has trip to the United Kingdom. She saw the perfume and said "Hindi ko na to dadalhin, weirdo and itsura o, Gripo. Nakakatakot." then i said i'll have it even though i know its for females. There. :)

So, Elmo. I found this little guy at Robinsons Tagaytay. Yeah, I think we hang out there often. My two cousins were on the way to Arcade and my mom wanted me to go with them. Since I was bored in the house, I accepted the offer. When we arrived, we went stright to the arcarde around the 2nd floor of Robinsons Tagaytay. My mom gave me money. Not less, not too much. But enough for a drink in starbucks. I bought some tokens to play, same for my younger cousin. I enjoyed it. The simple gambling, the lights, the childish music, the laughter, the smiles. Arcades are like Clubs for the young age except for the Drinking part. I think i played all of the games except for the machines that wasnt working. Theres this game, where little ducks would race around while you can bet for who you think will finish first. I enjoyed that too. One of my favorites.

After a few hours, my mom texted that it was raining back at the house. I checked outside but the air was just foggy, really foggy but my older cousin wanted to eat. So we ate at this restaurant which i forgot the name but full of Filipino food. We ordered pansit. The the waiter was like "M'am, Canton po ba o Bihon?" then my cousin passed the question to me. I'm really not sure whats the difference about those two but I felt that bihon is the one with more meat or whatever. I said bihon. Then my cousin asked what was the difference about those two. I said "Ung canton ata ung parang manipis tapos ung bihon ung mataba na....ewaan hindi ko alam." Haha. I really didnt know if i was right but more or less, we ordered bihon.

Weather is getting rainy this summer. First rain this summer. The clouds are a bit dark and last night was full of thunder and bang bangs! I love the rain, when its on the right time. Yes yes!

I Love you Elmo.
Break na tayo Spongebob.

Surely Someday!

2009-04-08T04:08:00.000-07:00

April 8, 2009. The picture was caught around 3 o clock in the afternoon. If i had a better camera in hand, it would be more devastating. Haha. I went to the mall with my mom. She was going to buy some groceries i think. We were going to be dropped off by my sis. Then i was like, "Jeep nalang tayo pauwi ha?." then my mom was like, "What?! Jeep? Then were going to lakad to here?!" then i was like, "You're so arte ha.". Haha. I wanted to use the Jeep to slash a penny in transportation expenses. But i guess my mom wanted it to be easy so i gave her a chance when we were going home. When we got home, straight to the laptop and played the song "Russian". If you didnt know, it's for clubs...house whatever. I enjoy club beats since I heard "Sexplosion" by East Clubbers. When the speaker was working, i danced to the Laptop. How? As if i was on a dance revo. Haha. Well anyway, I've been studying some Japanese nowadays to maybe you know, i might use them when I get to Japan if ever I will. I've been studying French, my dad bought this dictionary in NBS that was so expensive. But because he thinks that I'm really into French, he gave me a chance. Since then, i kept reading it. Now I can understand some simple sentences like for example from the song Fashion by Lady GaGa.
"J'adore Vivienne, habillez Moi,Gucci, Fendi, et Prada. Valentino, Armani too.Merde I love them Jimmy Choo"
which is, as far as i know.
"I love Vivienne, dress me Gucci, Fendi, and Prada. Valentino, armani too. Crap! I love them Jimmy Choo"

Haha, i discovered that with what i know which i think not all is correct. Haha but im postive that some of it is. :) Now for Japanese, with the help of my classmate, Kim. I constructed my very own simple sentence.
"Watashi no namae wa Raansu desu."
in english it is.
"My name is Raansu."
Raansu because , according to Kim, Raansu is Lance in Japan. And i love it :)
oh, in French
"Je'maplle Raansu/Lance." or "Mon nom est Raansu/Lance."
Haha Tagalog?
"Ako si Lance/Raansu." or "Ang pangalan ko ay Raansu/Lance."

Okay okay, i have to stop na. I'm super dooper very very positive that, soon, i'll be fluent in Japanese and French. I heart both Languages. :)

Try and try until you die. But if you die, at least you tried because,
Its better failing to something you love
than to succeed to something you hate.

Another day

2009-04-04T05:58:00.000-07:00

Today, nothing happened much. Just went to this basketball game to watch sis' boyfriend play. After that, we went to his house to eat some isaw and the other thing. I asked what it was, then he said it was "intestine". Kind of gross, but it was so yummy. :)

We went home after, just me and my sister in her car. Boyfriend has a game tomorrow. I was going to put my ipod on, but sis hates it when i put it on cause i put the volume so loud. When we got home, mom was making dinner. What? Salad, Sashimi and meat balls. And oh, watermelon shake. Salad was balsamic, so i ate a lot. Balsamic is my favorite dressing even more if it contains those little burned bread. After eating, we had a couple of laughs because of our inday. :)

Yeah, that's it. I posted this, even if its short because my so kuya kuya Christian, wanted me to post even if its short. Yeah, and i'm listening to Mao's background music. I like it, it coldplay as i know. :)

Japan!Japan!Japan!
Ice Skating! Ice Skating!

P.S. Kuya Christian, this goes to you! :)

Belated Happy Birthday!!!

2009-04-03T04:26:00.000-07:00

Today is April 3, 2009. It started as a bright friday morning. I woke up around 11am, just ahead to lunch. It was a great morning because of the easy feeling i felt when i woke up but my bed was so untidy. Well of course I made my bed. I'm not that wealthy snobish to depend on other people. Haha.
So, what's for lunch? Salad and the other thing (forgot the name). After lunch, i decided to read my eclipse (twilight saga) since i paused my reading for about 3 months or so. I was in chapter 3 but i felt lost so i went back to the start. Haha. I was also in my phones. You guys maybe an Edward + Bella, but i prefer Bella and Jacob. I like Jacob than Edward. Haha. Well after reading a couple of pages, i left my book and used my ipod as my bookmark then went online. After a few hours, i got ready cause kim and our old classmate are going to the mall to watch a movie. We watched Monsters Vs. Aliens. I could rate it 3 out of 5. Yeah, I had fun and i'd like to thank Kim for comming. ;) . After the movie, i played at the arcade. I guess everyone knows the stuff toy thingy? Yeah, played my 3rd token and got the chipmunk teddy bear. Yeppie! It must be my blessed day! When I catched up with kim and our old classmate, i gave the teddy bear. I wanted it but just for a friendly gesture, i gave it to her. When it was goodbye time, i went to the overpass to get to the other side of the highway. I went in to the first jeepney i could see. I wasnt that far from the mall, so i just paid like 7 pesos. It's just recent since I rode on jeeps. Most of the time, i use tricycles but because of the influence of somebody. "Kawawa naman si Lance, malaki lagi nagagastos. Mas mura kaya pag jeep." Yeah, it was. Tricycle to Robinson was like 20 pesos while if i use the jeepney, i'd pay only 7 pesos. Since then, i use those native cars to get to Robinsons which is the nearest mall from our house. While i was in the jeep, i noticed it was drizzling a bit. I was hesitating if i'll walk home or use those pedicabs. But I didnt want to use another penny anymore even its raining and it'll just give me a cold. So for the final decision, i walked if it was raining a bit. "If i get sick, it doesnt really matter because classes are over." kind of a stupid thing huh? Yeah, i know but I didnt want to pay if i can walk instead. Hoping the shortcut would still be open because it closes around that time. But then, i'd be okay if i have to walk all around to the other side. But yes, it was still open. While I was getting near, i thank God for the wonderful day at the mall. I really had fun, really.

Knock, Knock.
I came home. Mom was making dinner, sushi as i can see. "Hey, I got good news for you." she said. "I'm leaving?!" i answered. "Yes." she answered with a smile. I hugged her because i was so happy that i'm leaving and going back. I hugged her so tight saying thank you like 10 times. I was really happy. Then i said, "So, when it is?". Then my mom said, "Your Dad said youre going to Japan..." then i interrupted "What Japan?! I thought America! Geez," .Then she continued, "Yes Japan, your dad wants you to go, maybe you're staying for one month or so but i just want 2 weeks. Now the only thing we have to decide is the date. And your dad also mentioned if I could find an apartment, you could follow me after your stay."
I was so happy with both parts but i was really super dooper really really happy with the "Follow me" part. I think this is it, i think i'm finally coming back. No one really knows how i really want to leave the Philippines for personal reasons.
Not even my parents or my sister. Just "bro". Yeah, i'm getting the opportunity of me going to Japan (yes man!). Even though my sis is like not to this plan, i think it's time to decide for myself. :)

Its been the greatest day, knowing im leaving is the best part of the day. I guess this is his gift to me for my birthday. I guess there isnt a problem being late. :)
Belated Happy Birthday Lance! :)

Ice Skatin'

2009-04-02T03:45:00.000-07:00

Mom dropped me of at Mall Of Asia this Morning because since she was going to be at our condominium to fix some stuff, she decided to let me go at MOA. The picture above was taken at the bay. It was still early thats why there are only a few people. Those two guys over there, they were wearing a weird skirt. I tried to picture them, but i think they sat to hide it. Haha.

As I was sitting by this stone white bench, i decided to go back in because it was getting hot and i was already sweating. We dont want me sweaty dont we? As I was going in, i thought of a place I could hang out. Well what do you expect? I went to the Ice Skating rink. I went in the rink maybe 4 times already. I know hot to skate, by that i mean, i dont hold to anything for support. As I was going in, i saw this vend (i forgot the name). It was like tiny dots that were ice cream. I bought the medium size which cost me 100 pesos. When i finished, i went to the ice skating rink to watch. There wasnt much people in the rink. Just those who are in lessons. They were about 6. They were good. All of them. They did some spinning, jumping and some dancing as well. It was like ballet on skates. I'd enjoyed myself very, very, very much. Watching this boy, he was practicing this routine. It goes like, skate skate then twist your hips, twist your hips with one feet and then the jump. Haha. Well, he fell at the jump part. Nothing bad with that right? Other skaters like this japanese looking girl, was practicing the jump. She failed some of the jumps but still goes on. Every skater was graceful, and then, it came to me. "Someday, i'll be an ice skater." i told my self. From what ive seen, i got the feeling that this could be one of my things. Well of course, it wasnt my first time watching ice skaters. I dreamed about be being an ice skater since i was in the 4th grade but i guess it came to me seriously this year. I kept on watching them until the civilians came. They still watched them, imagining me, doing what they're doing...or better yet, something new!
Question to myself by that time: Will you do your very best if you get the chance?
If that is so, i will love what i'm doing. If somebody would offer me a fulltime lesson like for 99,022 years, i'd go for it for the sake of me learning it. If I was going to ice skate, i'd skate with my heart. Haha, i sound weird na? :)

Well, still watching them almost for 2 hours, i received a text from my sis saying "Where are you? We're having lunch together". I replied "Ice skating.". Im getting sick of texting, thats why i keep everything short when i text. When I went down, my sis and mom found me and catch ed up with me. "I thought you ice skated" said my sis. I replied "No, i just watched.". Then we walked and i went to my mom saying "I want to study ice skating, i'd like enroll if its okay.". Thank God, mom thought it was a great idea because it was summer vacation. Maybe I could take lessons for the rest of the summer? Maybe, but she just mentioned one week because we were coming back next week for my mom is going to fix some things in our condo. When we went to this resto, we ate some chicken and other 2 side dishes. While eating my teriyaki, mashed potato and pesto pasta, i was praying to God to help me to convince my Mom more.

Cant wait for next week. My dream of being a real ice skater.
To be continued...

Officially 13

2009-04-01T07:17:00.000-07:00

Its the end of the day. The day of my birthday. The picture above was taken 4 hours ago in "Sizzling Pepper Steak" in Robinsons Tagaytay. It's a Japanese Restaurant. From the name, almost every meal in their menu is Sizzled with Pepper...and yes, most of them are steaks. Haha. I ordered a chicken steak which i loved because of its tenderness. When we were all finish with our meal, i got a suprised cake. An ice cream cake i think. I loved it. This birthday may not be so bongga, but atleast i'm still alive.

Congratulations to my Uncle who just welcomed his second son today.
Great, i got a new cousin, who has the same birthdate. :)

Typical Day.

2009-04-01T00:52:00.000-07:00

3:52

After reading some blogs of some of my online friends, i decided to make a blog. Well i think it would be a great idea to make one of these just to start my new age and all. :)
My profile isnt that really done yet, but ill finish it when i get used to it here.

It's my birthday today. April 1, 2009. I know, its also April Fools Day. So, better great me a lot of things because 2 days ago, i just graduated my elementary. But mainly, its my birthday. For the past years, i can remember the things i got. My Wii, Gameboy SP, DS, Micro and other stuff. All of them were given as a birthday gift. Well except for the Micro. I asked for it when we went to Hong Kong for a vacation. But now, I'm not expecting anything from them, or from anyone. This year, i'm not really into anything. Even though i want a camera, i'm not really feeling it. You know, having it.
So, what do I want? Well, for a 13 year old, what do you think? I just rejected the offer of my going to Japan. Now, my mom wants to have a vacation in anywhere in the Philippines. I dont like family vacations. I dont like going out of town with the whole family. I really dont know but I dont feel the bond much. I really, really prefer friends. But who? My classmates are too secured with their parents. Neighbors? I dont talk to anyone here. Online friends? Oh thats cheap. But I have no exemption do i? I dont think so. So what do I want for my Birthday? Well let's see. I want a day that i can do anything. No one telling me what to do, no one telling me to stop. I'll be happy with that. I just imagined myself in aparty with my classmates. I'm not really comfortable with people around when I'm the reason of their gathering.

March 18, 2009. My mom planned a graduation or an advance party for me (Advance birthday party because class is over and graduation as well by April 1). Well i really dont know why she did that. I didnt want to have one. But she was already talking about a lot of things, like food, the time, who will come and other related stuff. If ill tell her that i didnt want to have a party, she might just ask me "What do you want then?" and i'll answer "Nothing, no parties, no gifts" then she'll say "Ayan ka nanaman e, graduation at birthday mo e, nag papa ka emo ka ata e". I mean, shouldnt i be the one to decide? Maybe, but she's my mom. I cant stop her.
Well if ever she had the chance to read this, i'm sorry for hiding it.

Well i have to go and take a bath. We're going to this resto in Tagaytay. I expect it to be fancy and all because of my special day. But that doesnt mean i wanted it. As usual, they planned it. Im like "Okay, it better be good".

Happy Birthday to me! Even if only a few people remembered.